Nonsensical Christmas: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Check out the lyrics to this classic Christmas song below:

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night.
She didn't see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peek
She thought I was tucked
Up in my bedroom fast asleep.

Then, I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white.
Oh, what a laugh it would have been,
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night!

So... yeah. Does this strike anyone else as inappropriate for the holidays? It's billed as a sweet little song for the kids. "Oh, isn't that cute? That child doesn't get that Santa actually is her father!"

But look closer - that kid was tucked into bed hours ago! He/she had to creep down the stairs to spy on the shinanigans happening on the first floor. This begs the question: Why is Dad still dressed up as Santa if all the kids are asleep? It must be for Mom's benefit. Ick. Read between the lines - there's some weird sex thing happening in this house.

Mom seems to have some issues. I guess the follow up song will be called "I saw mommy talking to a therapist last night." Another event the kid should have just staying in their room for.

Merry Christmas! Love you all!

Nonsensical Christmas: Nutcracker

So, The Nutcracker is a famous and beloved Christmas tale about a little girl who receives the present of a nutcracker from her creepy uncle. There have been ballets, ice skating dramas and school plays about it. Am I missing something here? A nutcracker is not a doll. It's not a toy. It's a KITCHEN UTENSIL.

Nutcrackers are aptly titled, as their purpose is to crack open the shells of nuts so you can eat them. Getting a nutcracker as a present is like getting an egg timer.

Or a mixing bowl.

Slapping a face on something does not a toy make. Seriously, if I gave my kids a kitchen utensil for Christmas, they'd wip it back in my face. Ok, so I don't have any kids. But your kids would do the same thing - they've always been a little bratty.

Merry Christmas!

Today I Feel...

Happy Birthday!

I'd be amiss if I didn't wish a Happy Birthday to my good friend Montell Jordan. Yes - Montell Jordan of "This Is How We Do It" fame. We used to be pretty tight back in my high school days. Don't believe me? I'm taken aback by your lack of faith.

Yeah - I rocked kind of a grunge/grandma combination look, but when it works it works. Holla.

Today I Feel...

It's Almost Thanksgiving...

So let's talk about Christmas. I've been thinking about the Christmas cartoons we've all been watching since we were children. Ever notice how messed up they all are? Let's break it down.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Synopsis: After relentless bullying, two underage boys run away from home only to hook up with a middle-aged man interested in mining for gold.


Frosty the Snowman

Synopsis: A group of children steal from their teacher, using witchcraft to create a living man of snow. They then illegally cross the border to evade justice.


A Charlie Brown Christmas

Synopsis: A young boy struggles with depression while his friends and family ignore the warning signs and laugh at his pain. A small, dying tree becomes his only friend.


The Nutcracker

Synopsis: A girl is given a gift by her creepy German uncle, who then breaks it in front of her. She cries, then falls into a hallucinogenic coma.

Ah, the good old values we were brought up on. I hope everyone is feeling warm and yule-loggy. Merry Christmas everybody!

Today I Feel...

Smear Campaign

With election day tomorrow, we've all been seeing a lot of campaign ads. I've especially noticed a lot of attack commercials. You know the type. So and so will come on and say that the other so and so is the devil and eats babies. "A vote for so and so is a vote to have your young consumed by Satan." And on and on it goes.

Well, I'm sorry to admit, but I'm going to bow to the pressure. I believe I've been mostly positive up until now, but the tide is turning. I've decided to launch my very own smear campaign. Now, those of you who know me know that I have a slight nail polish addiction. I have lots of colors, brands and textures. I always have my nails painted, both finger and toe.

But... there are some nail trends that I simply can't abide. Below are the four nail polish trends that are, in my humble opinion, horrific and make you look like a freak. These are in no particular order - all are equally stupid. Observe:

#1 Crackle Nails

I'm starting off on a bit of a controversial note here, as this is a popular trend and available at stores everywhere. However, I strongly encourage you not to partake. Natural colors make your nails look like they're rotting. Bright colors make your nails look like they're on crack. Neither are great looks.

#2 Overly Embellished Nails

This is a fashion trend. Seriously - there are actually people who make a living doing these kinds of nails. This is also a sure-fire way to make an adult look like a clown. Really? What happens if you want to put your hair in a ponytail? Did you even think this through???

#3 Pointy, Claw Nails

This is a current, celebrity trend. Folks like Rihanna and Lada Gaga are often seen sporting painted talons. To me, it just conjours up immages of witches and evil. When someone with pointy nails shows up, all I see is someone enticing me to their house so they can cook me in a stew.

#4 Show Shovel Nails

Wow. Way to do your nails in such a freakish way that you've handicapped yourself from doing anything normal ever again. Seriously. You might as well not even have hands at all if you're going to do shit like this. I hope your nails get stuck in a playground slide on the way down. You know you deserve it.

Whew - there we go. I'm glad I got that off my chest. Please take heed of this warning to avoid these awful, creepy trends. And whatever you do, don't vote for the devil.

Today I Feel...

Happy Halloween.

And Speaking of Halloween...

Did you know that back in days of yore, like the 30's and 40's, people used to make their own Halloween costumes? Sure, you might say, "but Laura, people do that all the time now-a-days." While that is true, the olden-days costumes were eight hundred million times more scary. Seriously. These will haunt your dreams.

Deep breath... ok.

I would definitly run away if that thing was headed towards my door.

Oh dear God! I didn't even see those two. I think I just peed a little.

Why? Just... why?

Ugh. I think part of my soul just slipped away...

*Silently starting to sob...

It's just... I can't even...

Look out cat!

Please tell me that little doll isn't starring at me...

For the love of all that's good - does that thing on the right even have a face???


To everyone who wasn't just frightened into a coma - Happy Halloween!

Zombies!

So, the big zombie pub crawl happened last weekend in the Twin Cities. The streets ran red with fake, homeade blood. It's quite an interesting social phenomena, and...

AAAHHH!!!

Awe, crap. My hand just died. That totally sucks! I use that thing a lot. I didn't see it happen, but I'm leaning towards murder.

Wait... did that thing just move? I thought I saw... oh well. It can't be.

Well I didn't imagine that! My had lives! Oh, thank God. That was going to be a huge life change for me, and I'm not always great at huge life changes.

Is it just me, or is this thing starting to look a little... unnatural? No... no way. It can't be. My hand is totally undead! Are you telling me I've got to walk around with a zombie hand??? That's just great.

Geez! Dial it back a little, hand. You don't even have a mouth - why are you trying to eat my brain? I'll have to check back with y'all in a bit to see how this deal's going to play out. Happy Halloween!

Today I Feel...

Seriously Deranged

You know what totally creeps me out? No, it's not American Horror Story or The Cabin in the Woods (both of which I highly recommend watching). It's this:



Did you watch it? Can you believe this insanity??? These Hershey Kiss adults are whitnessing the creation of new kisses. I do not know if they are babies, or simply cloned adult copies. They give them a pat on the back and send them off down the assembly line. They end up on some sort of red carpet with a whole audience of their peers watching. Then, they get flung into the human dimension where a white, middle class lady and her daughter place them in baking-hot cookie dough and eat them. Are the others still watching? What kind of sick enjoyment is this?

And what did the factory workers do to avoid being murdered ten minutes after they were born? Did they exhibit some sort of quality that other worker's recognized? Did they murder the next Kiss in line, therefore showing the other factory workers that he had what it took?

I would also like to point out that at one point, one factory worker Kiss gives another factory worker Kiss a bouquet of labels, using his label to do it. That's like me giving you a bouquet of arms. Sickening - isn't it. Truly, truly depraved.

Photo Project

So, I'm doing a little dogsitting right now. I decided to do a photo-project of the neighborhood where the dog lives. Bonus points if you can spot the self-portrait.