Nonsensical Christmas: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Check out the lyrics to this classic Christmas song below:

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night.
She didn't see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peek
She thought I was tucked
Up in my bedroom fast asleep.

Then, I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white.
Oh, what a laugh it would have been,
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night!

So... yeah. Does this strike anyone else as inappropriate for the holidays? It's billed as a sweet little song for the kids. "Oh, isn't that cute? That child doesn't get that Santa actually is her father!"

But look closer - that kid was tucked into bed hours ago! He/she had to creep down the stairs to spy on the shinanigans happening on the first floor. This begs the question: Why is Dad still dressed up as Santa if all the kids are asleep? It must be for Mom's benefit. Ick. Read between the lines - there's some weird sex thing happening in this house.

Mom seems to have some issues. I guess the follow up song will be called "I saw mommy talking to a therapist last night." Another event the kid should have just staying in their room for.

Merry Christmas! Love you all!

Nonsensical Christmas: Nutcracker

So, The Nutcracker is a famous and beloved Christmas tale about a little girl who receives the present of a nutcracker from her creepy uncle. There have been ballets, ice skating dramas and school plays about it. Am I missing something here? A nutcracker is not a doll. It's not a toy. It's a KITCHEN UTENSIL.

Nutcrackers are aptly titled, as their purpose is to crack open the shells of nuts so you can eat them. Getting a nutcracker as a present is like getting an egg timer.

Or a mixing bowl.

Slapping a face on something does not a toy make. Seriously, if I gave my kids a kitchen utensil for Christmas, they'd wip it back in my face. Ok, so I don't have any kids. But your kids would do the same thing - they've always been a little bratty.

Merry Christmas!

Today I Feel...

Happy Birthday!

I'd be amiss if I didn't wish a Happy Birthday to my good friend Montell Jordan. Yes - Montell Jordan of "This Is How We Do It" fame. We used to be pretty tight back in my high school days. Don't believe me? I'm taken aback by your lack of faith.

Yeah - I rocked kind of a grunge/grandma combination look, but when it works it works. Holla.

Today I Feel...

It's Almost Thanksgiving...

So let's talk about Christmas. I've been thinking about the Christmas cartoons we've all been watching since we were children. Ever notice how messed up they all are? Let's break it down.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Synopsis: After relentless bullying, two underage boys run away from home only to hook up with a middle-aged man interested in mining for gold.


Frosty the Snowman

Synopsis: A group of children steal from their teacher, using witchcraft to create a living man of snow. They then illegally cross the border to evade justice.


A Charlie Brown Christmas

Synopsis: A young boy struggles with depression while his friends and family ignore the warning signs and laugh at his pain. A small, dying tree becomes his only friend.


The Nutcracker

Synopsis: A girl is given a gift by her creepy German uncle, who then breaks it in front of her. She cries, then falls into a hallucinogenic coma.

Ah, the good old values we were brought up on. I hope everyone is feeling warm and yule-loggy. Merry Christmas everybody!

Today I Feel...